Living in California, it isn’t unusual for people to open a sentence with “My therapist says…” Being a millennial in LA, it feels like we all need therapy. Someone to talk about work, relationships, Los Angeles traffic, and any number of stressors with a nonjudgemental party. In the past year, I have seen multiple friends start therapy, and seen the transformation it is making in their lives. Still, there is a stigma around therapy and mental health in the United States. While it seems that millennials are more comfortable discussing mental health than previous generations, I still see a fair share of pill-shaming and condemnation of therapy as a waste of time.
In my experience that could not be farther from the truth. I have always been a huge proponent of therapy, but it was only a few months ago that I decided to make therapy a part of my weekly routine. I was in a good place, but figured, “Why not learn some coping mechanisms now before you really need them?” Therapy doesn’t have to be a big scary word where you imagine laying down on a couch looking at an ink blot and having an old man tell you that you have an underlying Oedipus Complex. I struggled with deciding to write this blog post because it means being vulnerable, but I figured if anyone could benefit from these small tips it would be worth it. So here we go:
Finding a therapist is a pain
You would think insurance would want to make it as easy as possible for people who are struggling with mental health to find help. Not the case. Finding a therapist is a pain in the butt. You can go through your insurance portal and look up therapists nearby and try and cross-reference them with Psychology Today to get an understanding of who they are, but not everyone has a profile. Therapists don’t have yelp reviews. I contacted my insurance directly and asked them for a list of providers in my immediate area who specialized in the topics I was interested in. Easy enough. But not everyone on that list was taking new clients. And even if my insurance said that they pay for that therapist, when I contacted the office the therapist said they don’t take my insurance. It is likely that the first office you contact will not be your last. Don’t get discouraged. The most important part of finding a therapist is finding someone you are comfortable with [And who hopefully takes your insurance because as a broke millennial #priorities]. I love the therapist I found, but even she encouraged me to shop around after my first session. As she said, “Therapy is like dating. Don’t just accept the first therapist you go to. I encourage clients to shop around. I won’t be offended if you don’t come to a second session because it means you found someone better for you. The most important thing is finding a person you connect with.” While I ended up continuing with my initial therapist, if you don’t feel comfortable, find someone else.
The number one question to ask
When I had my introductory session, the first thing I asked is “Have you ever been in therapy yourself?” I refuse to see a therapist who hasn’t gone through therapy previously, and preferably one who is currently in therapy. Many psychology programs now mandate that their participants go to therapy because of how critical it can be. The other important questions: What is your style? How do you handle when a client disagrees with you? What should I expect during my sessions? I go to a mindfulness center. It is very calming with wood and water elements decorating the space and they practice cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness. That is very different than a therapist who may specialize in strengths-based therapy. Find the style and therapist that work for you.
Something is better than nothing
It is normal to feel guilty when we don’t live up to expectations. Who among us has never had a day where they fell short of expectations? Especially when I am depressed, small tasks can feel astronomical. The things that you know will make you happy and healthy can feel like mountains as opposed to molehills. Motivating yourself can be hard, but small things are better than nothing. Can’t focus for a 10 minute meditation? A 3 minute meditation is better than nothing. Going outside for 5 minutes and opening your apartment to get fresh air is better than not doing anything at all. When tasks feel like they are piling up, use the 2 minute rule from David Allen. If the task will take you less than two minutes to do, do it now. You will feel way more accomplished and it will take a weight off. Also important? If you fall off the wagon, you can start over. I recently got up to 15 days in a row of meditation before stopping. I was talking to my therapist about feeling frustrated that I broke my cycle and her response was “Okay. But you did it once, you can do it again. It’s okay if you fall short, but all you can do is start again.”
Conflict
I am EXTREMELY conflict averse. I have a degree in Peace and Conflict studies for a reason. I HAAAAAAAATE conflict. Like a turtle going into its shell, I would love to dive into a pile of blankets whenever conflict is even remotely nearby. Yet out of conflict comes growth. Conflict can be painful but the important thing to know in the moment is that the distress you feel isn’t going to last forever. It is like growing pains: Painful in the moment but ultimately can lead to tremendous growth when handed mindfully.
Frantic vs. urgent
I remember during one party at college going around and picking up cups and cleaning while the party was happening. It wasn’t something anyone asked me to do. It wasn’t even my house. Yet in the moment I felt that the most important thing I could do was to put things in order. I struggle with the idea of being frantic: Running around, everything with equal levels of importance, and feeling like I am juggling 15 balls in the air at once. That shouldn’t surprise people who know that in college I had 3 majors, 5 internships, and was on the board of my sorority. I would run back and forth to all my different responsibilities never taking a moment to stop. When I graduated, that turned into a habit of tying my career with my personal identity. That isn’t to say that being frantic didn’t have it’s place outside of work. It was the need to do everything and do it on my escalated time table. One of the things I have been working on is asking myself “Is this task urgent or is it something I am making urgent?” It is okay to say no, and as the great Maxine Waters says “Reclaim My Time.” Ever notice how often it is the busiest people who end up with the most work? While it may come from perfectionist tendencies, people often give more work to the busiest person because they are the most efficient at getting things done.
Being busy is not the same as being productive
One more time for the people in the back: Being busy is not the same as being productive. When you are struggling and tasks feel like they are piling up, ask “Is it more important to do this task right now, or do something positive for my mental health?” At my last job, when I was stressed I would take 5 minutes to walk away from my desk and walk around the building to clear my head. Those 5 minutes were more productive for me away from my computer giving myself some headspace than if I sat at my desk feeling overwhelmed.
There are so many different lives that you could lead, but the reality is that you only get to live one. Live it well and not stressing over the possibility of what could be. Oh, and for heaven’s sake stop using the term “Supposed to.” I am supposed to be doing this…supposed to be doing that…You can’t measure your path against anyone else’s.
Progress is Slow
This is a gross metaphor, but have you ever had your gums bleed while flossing your teeth? So you keep flossing each day and your gums start becoming accustomed to the new behavior but keep bleeding for awhile. Things feel like they are getting worse. Then one day you wake up and your gums are no longer irritated by flossing. The progress has been there all along, but it was happening at such a micro level that you couldn’t see it at the time. Therapy is the same. You won’t walk out of every therapy session feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (although sometimes you will). Sometimes you will feel raw and like the session didn’t help. But just keep flossing those teeth and proceeding forward and one day you will wake up and realize that the progress has been there all along.
Not everything has to have a goal
Yes, you heard me. Sometimes it is important to do a task for the sake of doing it, not for an ultimate goal. I am guilty of trying to make everything into a personal form of productivity. When I was lounging on the beach in Hawaii I was listening to an audiobook on productivity because I didn’t want to feel like the time was being wasted. I knew I wanted to volunteer while I was in grad school so I looked for opportunities which could serve my resume. I took photos to be posted on social media for organizations. I wanted to learn how to hand letter so I did that so I could redesign my blog logo. But my therapist brought up an important fact. I was taking my passions and turning them into a job. The things that I loved doing, like photography, were all of a sudden surrounded by deadlines and to-do lists. There were no tasks I was doing for the sake of joy, it was because I wanted to be productive. That isn’t to say that you shouldn’t combine passion and your job. Find a job you are passionate about. Don’t turn every one of your passions into a job. Instead, find a task that you can do purely for you. Not everything you do should be goal oriented. Otherwise you are going to burn yourself out.